I’ve been going back and forth as to what to write on here over the last few days. But each time I have gone on the computer I’ve come up blank. Chemo brain really does exist! I walk into a room and go, What was I doing? Only to remember I needed something out of the kitchen not the bedroom or the bedroom not the bathroom. It’s like someone has control over the puppet strings! I’ve been handling the nausea pretty well. The meds they give me to take “as needed” seem to do the job. But they cause some wicked heartburn! And as if I didn’t eat enough already, I’m constantly hungry due to the steroids. Which beats the alternative of being sick. I figure oh well if I gain weight over the next few months. It’s a small price to pay to be here and semi healthy 😉 Plus I have my lovely Kim at Crofton Bootcamp ready to get me back into shape when all my treatment is over! I’ll never be happier to get my assed kicked! lol
Exhaustion is the big kicker for me. I walk around feeling like I am in a constant fog and time seems to move really slow. Maybe that’s because all the super chaos is over and now I only have appointments every two weeks. Glad to have the job I do and that they are so understanding. I figure if I can make it to work at least for a couple of hours everyday I’m doing alright.
The emotional side of everything has finally caught up to me too. I wake up and I cry, I get in the car to drive to work and I cry, I think about how screwed up it is to be almost 32 and instead of planning your birthday your discussing how you want to go about cutting off your hair. Some days I wake up and I just want to scream WHY GOD WHY ME!!??? Enough is enough!! I’m tired and I hurt and I don’t deserve this and why can’t I just have a normal life!!!??? But the answers never come so I sit in silence trying to figure out how to move forward. How do you get dealt such a shitty hand over and over again and get up and face the world?? You just do. Why? Because what other choice do you have. Fight. That’s what the little voice in my head says. Sometimes I argue back because I don’t want to fight. I want to wake up and it all to be over. No more treatments no more being sick. Just normal everyday life.
And this is just 5 days after treatment #1. Boy do I have my work cut out for me. I should probably throw in my disclaimer now.
WARNING: Bipolar chemo lady on the loose. Not responsible for any crazy outbursts over the next 16 weeks!!! lol